This too shall pass.

I would be lying if I say I am doing fine. I am not fine. I don't feel fine. I feel completely lost. I have not run for 36 days and it is driving me up the walls. My head is overflowing with noise and I can't seem to filter through the screaming fog. My doctor won't let me cycle, elliptical, or even practice yoga. I am losing my mind.

The only thing I want to do is run as hard as I can until everything is stripped away. The noises. With each passing day, I could feel my body grow tired, weary, fatter, and weaker. I just want to run until my mind is sterile again. But I can't. I can't. I can't do anything but just wait and let this slow torture claw my heart open. Instead of sleeping, I lie awake fighting my inner demons until they slowly creep into my subconscious, poisoning the very well which I drink coffee from.

I would scream declarations of war against myself, hoping to silence the voice that leeches my will to go on. "Just you wait. The minute I get out of here, I will run you dry!" Much to my disappointment, instead of blasting through the cold air tearing my lungs clean and abolishing my inner demons to smithereens as I have envisioned every morning, by night time I usually succumb to tears of defeat. I can hear my desires laughing and taunting me to just spring out of my seat and bolt into blissful happiness. I secretly lusted over the idea of running myself to the ground. I became the biggest threat to my own recovery.

"Oh come on, what can possibly go wrong? You have waited this long, haven't you? Just a little run won't hurt. Your bone is almost healed, what could possibly go wrong? Not all athletes are created equal and you're a tough girl."

"Well, yes, I do have a callous forming and that does mean my bone is stronger, but is one lousy run worth 5 weeks of wait I have already invested? Five weeks of pure torture during a time when the weather is crisp to perfection for a runner's high? How about re-injuring myself again so I won't be able to run the Chiangmai Marathon I am flying to Thailand for in December? Why not just keep injuring myself until I can't ever run normal again? That's fine and dandy too. I heard cycling is the new running." 

Fine. I get it. I have to wait. I can't help feeling hopeless tho.

And yet I hope. It really is quite powerful--this agonizing notion of hope. As Friedrich Nietzsche said "Hope in reality is the worst of evils because it prolongs the torments of man."

Yes, hope hurts. Hope hurts because it makes you fight. Fighting requires courage and bravery. It's much easier to lose without a fight. It's much easier to allow yourself to wallow in self-pity until your heart is cold and numb to human touch--even you can't thaw it.

I don't know about you, but I choose to fight. I choose to hope. Even if that means, waking up each day hoping and looking at my calendar to see the day I can run again get closer and closer.

This sucks right now. But I am much stronger than this. This too shall pass.

Belated Birthday Post: 25 Miles for 25 Years

I turned a quarter of a century in September. To celebrate, I ran 25 miles with my friends. My new running buddy I met on the ING NYC Marathon Long Training Run ran the first 13 miles with me in the early morning. We did two big outer loops and a mile at Central Park. My other friends then ran the remaining 12 miles with me. Since they are not runners nor running enthusiasts, we decided to do 3 rounds of the medium 4 mile loop at Central Park. After each small loop, we would refuel on my homemade pasta and hydrate with wine. By the last 4 miles, everything was sloshing inside and felt pretty uncomfortable. I did my 25 miles tho and a bit more just for luck.

Love my Asics running skort.

D.C. Running Tour

Whoever said being out of town means rescheduling your long runs? I went to visit a friend for her 25th birthday in D.C. and decided to turn my long run into a running tour of D.C.'s monuments. I googled a few routes to make sure it would be scenic and long enough and then mapped out my run (I printed a copy of it to pocket in case I get lost). I took my Iphone with me and took the following pictures from my run. I did about 22-23 miles before noon so I could get ready in time for a birthday brunch. It was a bit chilly, but absolutely perfect for running. Even after fumbling with my watch and Iphone for a bit, I was still able to capture a few good sunrise shots. Should you be interested in the route I took, I would be happy to share it in details. As you can see, I was able to see quite a number of monuments on this run.

D.C. Court of Appeals Historic Building. Still so early and so cold. What was I thinking?

Random and beautiful historic building seen on my running tour.

General Sherman's statue

If only I knew the Navy & Air Force Marathon was taking place, I would have signed up since they started running around the same time I started my running tour. They went by most of the same monuments I did too, except since I was doing 22-23 miles, and not 13.1 miles, I saw a bit more than they did. 

The Washington Monument

The White House

Eisenhower Executive Office Building. Got yelled at by a guard here after I ran around in circles because my Garmin was acting up.

Sunrise over Constitution Gardens. If you're in need of a restroom break, there is a somewhat sketchy rest stop by here.

Vietnam Veterans Memorial.

Lincoln Memorial side of Reflecting Pool. Look at that beautiful sunrise over the Washington Monument.

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Lincoln Memorial

Ran up the stairs to pay my respects and pray for world peace.

About to cross the Memorial Bridge. Here are some straddlers from the Navy & Air Force Half Marathon.

The Pentagon. Almost impossible to get a good picture from where I was running.

Arlington National Cemetery

Thomas Jefferson Memorial

Possibly the most beautiful set of sentences ever composed. 

Saw the Smithsonian Castle about 6+ times after circling around the National Mall to get my miles in. 

Finished my long running tour at the Capitol after circling around the National Mall to clock in 22-23 miles. I got the worst tan line. Having done most of my long runs around Central Park, I never really have to worry much about too much sun exposure. With the height restriction in D.C., a sunny day meant...well an ACTUAL sunny day.

My friend lives around the Chinatown area so I was able to run through the Chinatown gate.

My friend wanted to visit the Textile Museum for their Asian collection on Thai and Laotian textiles.

The Metro is so much more efficient and cleaner than the subway, but I wouldn't trade NYC's 24 hour transit system for anything else. Yes, not even cleaner air.

My cousin and his beautiful wife hosted my friend and I for a home-cooked dinner.

Isn't this the greatest sight in the world! Look at all those yummy peach slices ready for tasting at the Eastern Market! I was supposed to end my run here after reaching the Capitol and then cooling down to Union Station, but since I was only about 15 miles in when I reached the Capitol again, I decided to circle around the National Mall where I clocked 22-23 miles. My friend and I came here the following day for breakfast options

2nd Toe Metatarsal Stress Fracture: 2nd doctor visit

"Here comes the sun, and I say it's alright"
 - The Beatles

Two weeks ago, I went to see Dr. Gary Evans to check on how my 2nd toe metatarsal stress fracture was progressing after three straight weeks of no running. Aside from pulling my hair out and just about losing my sanity, I can say I am doing surprisingly well.

You can see in the pictures below that I have a pretty bad 2nd toe metatarsal stress fracture because it was chipping away near the base. I suspect my fracture was caused by many factors, but mainly due to the following:

• female athlete triad - I've been seeing nutritionists, an internist, and just got a bone density scan for this. Will update in future posts.
• overtraining - I'm hoping blogging will be a good outlet to remind me about moderation.
• lack of sleep / insufficient rest 

I was in so much pain for the first two days after hammering through my 1 mile race with the stress fracture that the only  thing to keep myself from crying at the office was Advil. After reading a few articles and books about how NSAIDs slow down healing, I stopped taking it.

First podiatrist visit. You can see my home remedy with KT tape and colorful DUCK tape. Anddd beautiful recovering runner's toe.

      

First doctor visit. X-ray shows a serious 2nd toe metatarsal stress fracture near the base.

Second doctor visit 3 weeks afterward. X-ray shows bone callus forming around the fracture.

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Thank goodness for the Walking Boot. I really cannot imagine how else I would have been able to go to work for the first 7 days without this boot and the air cast I wear inside. My foot was so swollen my toes had curled under and I could't even place a bit of weight on it.

Ditched the heavy Walking Boot for this lightweight shoe inch tall Walking Shoe. Still kept on the Aircast just to be safe.

Running taught me about self-love.

Raced with 2nd toe metatarsal stress fracture. BAD IDEA.

A long time ago, I discovered that happiness is a fleeting, floating state of mind, and because of that, I gave up chasing after it. I got sick of everyone's pretenses and charades. I was tired of role playing and chasing after acceptance. There has to be more. I became numb.

Then I started running again late last Fall. I found that running allowed me the pleasure of self-inflicted torture in the name of health. Running was painful, demanding, honest, and clear. Running forces you to hate and love yourself through confronting your inner demons, and pushing through walls. Nothing was able to conduct my five senses better than a throbbing pain searing through my body. It reminded me that I am still breathing, moving, and to focus on my vital signs.

Having done Track & Field in middle school and high school, I got used to the idea of running as a sprint and a race. Going as hard and fast as you can is an exhilarating thrill. The adrenaline rush and exhaustion is stronger and better than any drug on the market. I developed an addiction to running.

After first feeling extreme pain on the top of my right foot
 and suspecting a stress fracture.

I bought my first running gear, my Garmin Forerunner 410 watch, and started competing against myself. It felt amazing. The harder I pounded the pavement, the better I felt. No matter what mood I was in before a run, I was always too numb after it to remember why it was such a big deal to begin with. It was the perfect escape mechanism I've been searching for all my life. It gave me a sense of freedom, security, and safety--the same way I felt when I first fell in love with running.

Then I got injured. My first running injury was Plantar Fasciitis after I decided I was going to run 20 miles a week after running the Brooklyn Half Marathon even tho 13.1 miles was the farthest I've ever ran since deciding to do 20. I was angry that I got hurt, and because I was angry, I wanted to run even more than ever. I took an 8 day break from running because of PF, then I went back on the road and hit it even harder. Surely enough, I got injured again and since then had started a series of new running injuries that would have been enough to showcase all the possible ways a rookie runner could get injured. From May 2013 to today (October 2013), not including tired legs, bad chaffing, many many blood blisters, and runner's toes (three!) I've gotten the following more serious running injuries:

• Plantar Fasciitis on left foot
• Shin Splints on left leg
• Sprained ankle on left foot
• Achilles Tendinitis on right foot
• Bunions on both my feet
• 2nd toe metatarsal stress fracture near the base of my right foot

I'm currently on the 4th week of no running (the longest break so far that I've ever taken from no running) because of my 2nd toe metatarsal stress fracture. I've never missed a race because of an injury before. I've been a firm believer of taping things up, and running through the pain.

The Twin Cities Marathon is known as
"The Most Beautiful Urban Marathon."

I ran the Nissan 5th Avenue Mile race a week after suspecting that I may have a stress fracture in 6:54 minutes. It was not worth it. I couldn't walk. I live in NYC and walk a mile to work everyday, so life suddenly got very complicated. I finally went to see a podiatrist, got the walking boot, and was told I couldn't run the Twin Cities Marathon I've trained all summer for.

I was devastated. I've felt betrayed by my body many times before for not putting up with my abuse (refer to list of injuries above), but this was by far the worst rebellion. I cried. I cried everyday for a week. My love affair with running had been abusive from my end, and now running no longer wanted anything to do with me.

I sought other means of distraction as coping mechanisms. I knitted two scarves, finished three books, watched about 10 movies, started planning for my cousin's wedding, researched and read everything I could find on stress fractures, and fueled my withdrawal with unhealthy and indulgent food. The worst part was that I have been unable to sleep. Everything was quickly becoming a nightmare.

X-ray shows a 2nd toe metatarsal stress fracture near the base.

I lusted over the idea of running the Twin Cities Marathon with my stress fracture and pounding through the pain. I tried to make all sorts of justifications and compromises like how I wouldn't run fast and take it slow, how I would walk if things get bad, or even dropped out but at least try to limp the first mile. I read every forum thread online to see if there were any idiots that ran a marathon with a stress fracture and somehow everything worked out and they were okay. I found none. I even considered trying to start at the finish with my walking boot and walking until I was forced to get out of the race or be picked up for not finishing. For a visual, check out #21 on the 25 Things Non-Runners Don't Get about Runners list. Proud to say I didn't run or walk the marathon. Instead, I cried watching it on television.

The amazing walking boot that saved me from crutches.

I prayed and I cried hoping God would make a miracle happen. I soon felt guilty about placing my faith on a silly outcome like a race. I've decided a long time ago that no matter what happens in life, my faith will be unwavering. Not everything will go the way I want, and not every prayer will be answered right away or with my ideal outcome, but that doesn't mean God doesn't love me. He has a better plan for me than I could ever imagine. There was nothing I can do to make God love me more or less. The only factor I can change was the ME factor in my well being and happiness.

This forced break from running has made me realize that I need to take care of myself. I am proud that I fought against my stupidity to not run the Twin Cities Marathon, because I love running too much to risk not ever being able to run again. It was one of the bravest decisions I've ever made against my masochistic self.

 Running makes me happy, and although I made an unhealthy obsession out of it, I need it. Running has taught me discipline, passion, and patience. I've learned to be reflective, grateful, and brave. I need running to find moderation. I need running to be happy. I need running to live. I will do whatever I can for my physical, mental, and emotional well being so I can recover and run again, and keep running for life.

Running thought: Be nice.

Mai believes everyone is very similar. We all have our wants, needs, and desires, and are driven to unite in fear or love. It is quite remarkable what the human race can accomplish in the masses. From building a community from the ground to blasting its existence from the face of the Earth--we humans can do anything if we put our minds to it. Perhaps this is why it hurts to see when people choose to destroy rather than create.

Imagine a world where people love their neighbors as themselves, regardless of race, background, or differences. "But who are these neighbors," you might ask. Well mate, these neighbors are not excluded to only your fellow church members who are in the same income bracket and networking community as you. These neighbors also include that smelly homeless person by the corner you pass by everyday begging for changes. They include that obnoxious woman trying to steal your husband. They are your family, friends, strangers, and enemies. They include everyone everywhere at all times. This is the part that people don't understand. Nay, refuses to accept because it's not convenient.

Mai would like to believe that everyone wants to be good. At least in our minds. We all want to cast ourselves as the hero or heroine of our stories. Heck, we are our own narrators are we not? And the reason why we want to justify our actions regardless of what they are as good, is because we want to be liked and accepted by the people we care whether or not that only includes the person in the mirror, at least in our own minds, right? And if that means conveniently disregarding those who cannot serve us or serve us well enough to our liking not as fellow neighbors and sometimes not even human, so be it. We are busy with limited resources and time, and as long as we only love those who matter to us, that's good enough. Who cares about homeless people? Who cares about starving children? Who cares about the suffering? I have a safe place to rest, my kids are taken care of, and I have worked hard to preserve my happiness, why should I give a damn about anyone else's suffering? It's a dog eat dog world out there and it's mine for the taking.  

Believe it or not, the world can be a better place if people just care. Nobody will give anyone a standing ovation for committing a random nice act or building a community where he or she cannot reap a direct benefit from, but the world is seamlessly connected and in time all good deeds boomerang.

Articles Mai likes about being nice:

• Rebel by being nice
• http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/why-you-should-be-a-nice-person/
• Being nice will make your heart physcially stronger
• http://www.ted.com/talks/kelly_mcgonigal_how_to_make_stress_your_friend.html
• Join in the Suffering
• http://firstjohnpublishing.wordpress.com/2012/06/27/daily-bread-2-timothy-11-18-join-with-me-in-suffering-for-the-gospel/
• http://www.northumbriacommunity.org/articles/joining-the-suffering-god/
• http://www.crossroad.to/HisWord/verses/topics/follow.htm

To run is to hope.

The first time Mai fell in love with running was in the refugee camp she spent the majority of her childhood. The camp was in a desolate part of Chiang Kham, Thailand and its inhabitant's precarious conditions were enclosed by a tall bamboo fence. Outside communication was limited and very few could imagine a world beyond the rows of crowding shelters and ditches of dirty running water. Food was scarce and many hunger for hope.

Mai's friends convinced her that there were trees of ripe mangoes just outside the fence and if they watch each other's back, they could sneak outside the camp to steal the mango before the owner finds out. Getting caught would mean serious consequences. Many refugees who left the fence were reported missing, captured, or dead. Mai was around five years old and perhaps the fear of getting caught would have deterred most kids from stealing mangoes, but not for Mai. She grew up hearing about the War (Vietnam War), rape, and torture as normal conversation topics over repeated dinners of rationed rice and canned tuna from the United Nations. Growing up in fear means you forget you're living in it sometimes.

The bamboo fence was tied tightly and it was a challenge finding an opening big enough for malnourished kids to squeeze through. With a strong enough craving for a serving of fresh mangoes with dried chili peppers and fish sauce, Mai and her friends found an opening in the fence big enough for them to take turns squeezing to the other side of the fence. Once outside, their hunger was distracted and they found themselves paralyzed by the lush green surrounding and the deafening sound of calming birds and insects buzzing. The refugee camp was smelly, dirty, dried, and there were no plants or trees. Their eyes greedily feasted on this new view of shady groves, green grass, and the plethora of colors they could only dream about.


For a minute Mai was in Heaven. She did not comprehend the world outside those bamboo fences to be so beautiful, calm, and hopeful. Mai's daydream was interrupted by her friends agonizing scream and she turned to find a man beating him down with a stick and some ropes. Her other friends had already made their way toward the opening in the fence, and the man was making his way towards Mai.

Mai started running. She didn't know where she was going or what she was doing. But faster and harder she ran with her lungs burning and scrawny arms pumping through the air. She could hear his footsteps getting fainter and his angry breath easing off her shoulders until he finally turned back. She assumed he has gone home to get a gun or has planned something dreadful to punish her, a lowly refugee, for trespassing into his property. She hid behind the mango trees and after gauging her moment, eventually made a run for the fence. With every step of her bare feet pounding against the ground she could feel the spring of hope on the other side of that fence. She can do this. She must do this. Faster. Harder. Don't stop until you're free.

Meet Mai.

Mai is a young girl in her 20s working in the financial hub of NYC. Mai loves to run and do everything running related, unfortunately Mai is also very injury-prone. Follow Mai on her running adventures.