Running taught me about self-love.

Raced with 2nd toe metatarsal stress fracture. BAD IDEA.

A long time ago, I discovered that happiness is a fleeting, floating state of mind, and because of that, I gave up chasing after it. I got sick of everyone's pretenses and charades. I was tired of role playing and chasing after acceptance. There has to be more. I became numb.

Then I started running again late last Fall. I found that running allowed me the pleasure of self-inflicted torture in the name of health. Running was painful, demanding, honest, and clear. Running forces you to hate and love yourself through confronting your inner demons, and pushing through walls. Nothing was able to conduct my five senses better than a throbbing pain searing through my body. It reminded me that I am still breathing, moving, and to focus on my vital signs.

Having done Track & Field in middle school and high school, I got used to the idea of running as a sprint and a race. Going as hard and fast as you can is an exhilarating thrill. The adrenaline rush and exhaustion is stronger and better than any drug on the market. I developed an addiction to running.

After first feeling extreme pain on the top of my right foot
 and suspecting a stress fracture.

I bought my first running gear, my Garmin Forerunner 410 watch, and started competing against myself. It felt amazing. The harder I pounded the pavement, the better I felt. No matter what mood I was in before a run, I was always too numb after it to remember why it was such a big deal to begin with. It was the perfect escape mechanism I've been searching for all my life. It gave me a sense of freedom, security, and safety--the same way I felt when I first fell in love with running.

Then I got injured. My first running injury was Plantar Fasciitis after I decided I was going to run 20 miles a week after running the Brooklyn Half Marathon even tho 13.1 miles was the farthest I've ever ran since deciding to do 20. I was angry that I got hurt, and because I was angry, I wanted to run even more than ever. I took an 8 day break from running because of PF, then I went back on the road and hit it even harder. Surely enough, I got injured again and since then had started a series of new running injuries that would have been enough to showcase all the possible ways a rookie runner could get injured. From May 2013 to today (October 2013), not including tired legs, bad chaffing, many many blood blisters, and runner's toes (three!) I've gotten the following more serious running injuries:

• Plantar Fasciitis on left foot
• Shin Splints on left leg
• Sprained ankle on left foot
• Achilles Tendinitis on right foot
• Bunions on both my feet
• 2nd toe metatarsal stress fracture near the base of my right foot

I'm currently on the 4th week of no running (the longest break so far that I've ever taken from no running) because of my 2nd toe metatarsal stress fracture. I've never missed a race because of an injury before. I've been a firm believer of taping things up, and running through the pain.

The Twin Cities Marathon is known as
"The Most Beautiful Urban Marathon."

I ran the Nissan 5th Avenue Mile race a week after suspecting that I may have a stress fracture in 6:54 minutes. It was not worth it. I couldn't walk. I live in NYC and walk a mile to work everyday, so life suddenly got very complicated. I finally went to see a podiatrist, got the walking boot, and was told I couldn't run the Twin Cities Marathon I've trained all summer for.

I was devastated. I've felt betrayed by my body many times before for not putting up with my abuse (refer to list of injuries above), but this was by far the worst rebellion. I cried. I cried everyday for a week. My love affair with running had been abusive from my end, and now running no longer wanted anything to do with me.

I sought other means of distraction as coping mechanisms. I knitted two scarves, finished three books, watched about 10 movies, started planning for my cousin's wedding, researched and read everything I could find on stress fractures, and fueled my withdrawal with unhealthy and indulgent food. The worst part was that I have been unable to sleep. Everything was quickly becoming a nightmare.

X-ray shows a 2nd toe metatarsal stress fracture near the base.

I lusted over the idea of running the Twin Cities Marathon with my stress fracture and pounding through the pain. I tried to make all sorts of justifications and compromises like how I wouldn't run fast and take it slow, how I would walk if things get bad, or even dropped out but at least try to limp the first mile. I read every forum thread online to see if there were any idiots that ran a marathon with a stress fracture and somehow everything worked out and they were okay. I found none. I even considered trying to start at the finish with my walking boot and walking until I was forced to get out of the race or be picked up for not finishing. For a visual, check out #21 on the 25 Things Non-Runners Don't Get about Runners list. Proud to say I didn't run or walk the marathon. Instead, I cried watching it on television.

The amazing walking boot that saved me from crutches.

I prayed and I cried hoping God would make a miracle happen. I soon felt guilty about placing my faith on a silly outcome like a race. I've decided a long time ago that no matter what happens in life, my faith will be unwavering. Not everything will go the way I want, and not every prayer will be answered right away or with my ideal outcome, but that doesn't mean God doesn't love me. He has a better plan for me than I could ever imagine. There was nothing I can do to make God love me more or less. The only factor I can change was the ME factor in my well being and happiness.

This forced break from running has made me realize that I need to take care of myself. I am proud that I fought against my stupidity to not run the Twin Cities Marathon, because I love running too much to risk not ever being able to run again. It was one of the bravest decisions I've ever made against my masochistic self.

 Running makes me happy, and although I made an unhealthy obsession out of it, I need it. Running has taught me discipline, passion, and patience. I've learned to be reflective, grateful, and brave. I need running to find moderation. I need running to be happy. I need running to live. I will do whatever I can for my physical, mental, and emotional well being so I can recover and run again, and keep running for life.